I know that I am going to sound like I am whining, and it's because I AM!!!! I am getting so sick of this whole adoption issue. I am tired of seeing people who started after us already HOME with their children. I am tired of reading about all the experiences that they get to do with their kids that I don't because every spare dollar we have we put in our adoption fund so that we can pay for this crazy thing. Every blog that I follow, which is about 50, every person has their child. I can't even find a blog of anyone starting the process, so that I can talk to them about the process. I kinda feel left behind. We have been on this roller coaster for 18 months, DTR for 13 months, and I am just sick and tired of waiting.
There are many positives going on though, we are getting so close to having this thing fully funded. Which means NO LOANS! We are paying cash. Most in part to the grant we have received. That was the ultimate blessing, no doubt. I keep thinking, tomorrow, tomorrow is going to be the day when we get the call. Nothing happens though. I was so excited when we got that initial phone call about the siblings, now I wish we hadn't turned them down, because again, our agency is dead in the water. I know way back when we started that picking the right agency was the most important thing, well I think we goofed. They are just too small and are not in the right areas to move us along. I think day after day, we need to change agencies. Then I start thinking about ALL the stuff we would have to change, Homestudy, I-600A, grant information, not to mention all the money that we have already paid them. In my heart I know we can't change, but my head is screaming CHANGE, CHANGE!!
There are so many things we are wanting to do, we want to buy some land so that we can build our dream house, but we can't because every penny we have is reserved for our adoption, and you can't get a loan out here for land because of the economy, so you have to pay cash for it. We want to just get away, but we can't.
I also feel guilty, during the school year, I really felt like I was contributing, I was working, bringing home a very meager salary subbing on Randy's days off. Since school has been out, I just feel like a lazy slob. I never even felt like this when I was working and I had the summer off, maybe it is just the lack of free activities out there. Most of all I am just stressed, and I feel for Camden and Randy, I feel like I am just very stressed and tense, and I get annoyed by the smallest things.
I am also scared, I am scared because we are very comfortable in our family of 3. Yes I want more kids, but what is that going to do to us? How is Camden going to handle it, how are we going to handle it? If you could just pray for some peace for me I would greatly appreciate it.
3 weeks ago