So I have a new behavior that Dasha has been displaying that is not desired. When she is playing inappropriately with a toy, i.e. throwing, hitting, or jumping on the couch, yeah, she has taken a few headers off the couch with that last one. I warn her, then if she continues, I remove the toy. Or remove her from the couch. Her reaction is to reach out for the nearest toy she can find and proceed to throw it, kick it, or start banging on the coffee table. This leads to an immediate time out. I put her in the corner in the living room and make her face away from me and then I sit with my back to hers to keep her in time out. She screams, cries, etc, then when she calms somewhat I make her say sorry, and then she has to go pick up whatever she threw, then we kiss and hug. The bad part of this is she is extremely stubborn. It will sometimes take her 10-15 minutes to say sorry. But I have been making her say sorry. In some ways this is what I do with Camden, and some ways not. I don't sit with Camden when he is in time out, etc.
My question is, what is your opinion? Am I making too big of a deal out of the throwing, kicking? It is definitely a battle I want to fight, throwing and kicking is not acceptable to me at all, but are my expectations too high right now. She can say sorry, and she will go pick up the item after the time out. It is just weary and I hate the screaming. She still wants to cuddle and sit with me after the fact so I don't feel that it is damaging the bonding going on, but I just don't know. Maybe I am just making too big of deal out of this. It is day 4 of Randy working straight, so by this time I am usually going a little insane by now! Though on the 27th I will really have my hands full, we will have 10 people in the house for a week. That should be fun.....
A Year of Change
2 years ago
Your expectations are not too high. She is old enough to figure out that hitting, throwing, and other physical behaviors are a no no. I can't say what is right to do with her to correct the problem, but here is what we do with Oliver.
ReplyDelete-We stopped giving him a warning about hitting and other physical behaviors. After enough times being warned and then going to a time out he should know that it's not a good idea to hit and I'm not going to wait for him to do it again before he goes in a time out. Other more minor behaviors still get a warning.
-His timeout chair is in our living room. He can still see me, but I don't interact with him. He use to try and get out of the chair, but has managed to figure out that getting off the chair just makes it take longer. He does stand in the chair and I ignore that battle.
-If he is being quiet I'll go back and talk to him in 3 minutes, if he is crying I remind him to calm down and go back when he gets quiet.
-Say sorry(insert specific behavior), hug, kiss, move on, repeat as many times as necessary
-Oliver did have a physical phase, but it seems to have left. We are now entering a tattle phase, which he totally stinks at because he always tells on himself when he means to tell on Jim! Ha!
Good luck, may this phase pass fast
Thanks Trisha, it is just frustrating! While Camden is not a perfect child he just never did this so I am at a loss. I also try soooo hard to not compare them, I just want to make sure that I am not over reacting!
DeleteI agree with Trisha. Every child is different and all parenting styles have to take that into account. We are firm believers in Love and Logic (I can loan you a book if you're interested) and it's all about teaching your kids to make choices and either they are the right ones or if not, there are consequences. Our social worker with the home study also introduced us to "time in" and that has seemed to work well. Example, Noah had a tantrum the other night, so I told him he needed a time in, sat him by me on the kitchen counter, and had him help prepare plates for dinner. He still took a bit to calm down, but I redirected. We do have throwing moments and those are addressed quickly and toys go away (another L&L concept) if they are mistreated. Sounds like typical toddler behavior. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer as long as you're consistent. I often wonder if anyone would like to start a small group to chat through these things and I'm curious if the KC Russian adoption group would be a good place to start. Anyone else interested?
ReplyDeleteThere's a KC Russian adoption group? Would love to join that! I love Love and Logic, did it at school all the time. I just have never had to do it with a 2 year old. I quit doing time-in with Dasha because it is not a consequence for her at all, she lives to be on my lap all day. So her sitting without touching me is more punishment than anything. I have just never dealt with these behaviors before so it is frustrating.
DeleteIt hasn't been very long and she could be acting out her grief of leaving behind the home she knew. Remember that she has changed countries, language, food, clothing AND the all important person who cares for her. This is very typical behavior for children recently home. The Time Outs should eventually work, but make sure you hug her too and always tell her you love her.
ReplyDeleteMarina has been home two years and quite honestly we have seen a spike in temper tantrums lately. She's almost four so we're struggling a bit with this. She too is VERY stubborn and at times we never are able to get an apology. She's perfect at school, no behavioral issues at all. But at home she chooses not to listen. I'll have to look into the Love and Logic book - sounds promising. Know that you're not in this alone - many of us are struggling with the same behavior challenges.
ReplyDeleteBeen there, done that... unfortunately! Grace was a biter, hitter, and thrower. She doesn't do any of that anymore... that's the good news! Dasha will stop eventually. I was bit twice by my younger son when he was 1 year old. He was put in time out and it never happened again. I was never hit by either of my boys, so I know what you mean by this all being new for you. So frustrating!
ReplyDeleteI pretty much did the same thing you did as far as taking toy, time out, etc. Grace never had a problem saying sorry though. We put Grace in hall where she could see us but not getting any interaction. The time in thing sounds great, but all that would do for Grace was give her another way to get attention. She is very attention seeking! I did have to stop raising my voice though :) I tend to get a little loud when I'm annoyed (after months of behavior continuing) . I started doing the whole time out thing but not giving her a big negative reaction. Also, it is important to catch them being good. When you see her put a toy down nicely, jump all over that. When she has gone several hours without hitting, tell her how proud you are of her for playing so nice and behaving. Every now and then, Grace will throw something and she is immediately disciplined for it. I've learned that if you give Grace an inch, she takes a yard. It seems to me that a lot of kids from orphanages are control seekers. Give her choices as much as you can. I'm not sure if you have had her evaluated by Early Intervention, but Grace needed behavior therapy. As a a mom of two well behaved boys and former teacher, it was difficult for me to swallow that I needed parenting advice :) Not sure how much of it helped, but we eventually pulled through the physical behaviors. She is still a stinker though ;)
Hi Denise,
ReplyDeleteYou are doing the right thing and I believe this phase will pass.
We went through a hitting phase with Angelina for a while, probably a solid 10 mos. from when we arrived home from Russia. Whenever it happened, we would have Angelina take a time out for about 2 min. and remind her (over and over again) that we use "gentle hands" in our house. Eventually, she either outgrew the behavior or became bored with it.
She hasn't hit either of us in a couple months. The funny part is that we are so used to getting swat in the face by our baby, that now we actually flinch whenever she raises a hand even remotely near our faces!
Hang in there! :)
The KC Russian adoption group; you, me, KariLynn, and LUV@SHOP_KC (whose name I don't actually know) I hear there is a mandatory members meeting in the near future. :-)
ReplyDeleteI agree, especially on the mandatory meeting! BTW her name is Crystal!
DeleteI agree we should all get together. I think I have everyone's email, I will send something out.
ReplyDeleteOur children were in the same orphanage in Kirov! Our son came home 1,5 years ago. I love to follow your blog! If I dare to say, I think Dasha would do with less time outs. "Punishment" doesn't quite sound right for a 2 year old girl with confused feelings. And if most here agree it's a phase that'll pass, maybe it will also pass with less stressful moments!? Of course she needs to be told what's right and what's wrong, and she has to have role models (I assume you don't throw things at home). I perfectly understand your urge to DO something about that behaviour, but I also feel for Dasha not feeling good about your reaction. AND I am convinced that being a little less educative will not keep that phase from simply disappearing. Am I too relaxed? Good luck!
ReplyDelete